We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
