just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
