you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
