puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
