my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
