you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
