we have pet lesbian snakes
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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