Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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