I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
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