I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Randomize
