This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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