i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
