I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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