Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
