Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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