Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
