holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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