I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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