i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
