I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
