Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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