We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
You can't just leave with hair like that
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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