if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
