Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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