No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
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