i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Randomize
