Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
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