There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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