morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
