So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Randomize
