WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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