I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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