She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
