ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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