it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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