I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
