i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
