your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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