Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
