I showed him my bush... on skype.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
