If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
