I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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