I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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