I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
