My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
if you force a hooker to have sex with you and dont pay her would it be rape or theft? something to ponder
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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