I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
