does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
