I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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