She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
should my penis look like a turkey
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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