then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
