Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
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