Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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