i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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