I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
