I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
