I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
